Oodles of Doodles and Julie's Jokes for the Deaf

This Christmas Trevor and I hung out in the woods near Santa Barbara instead of going back to New Jersey.  We rented a cozy little cabin and on Christmas day we went for a nice, long, hot hike.

original by Julie painted on the iPad

The sweet thing about an iPad is you can do almost anything on it. The minor limitation is that it requires Wi-fi.  The nice thing about being in the woods is having some peace and quiet and no distractions from the outside world via TV or Internet.  And although I love a good ol' escape from civilization, all I really wanted to do was geek it up on my new baby iPad. Luckily Trevor had the good sense to anticipate this and prior to leaving for the cabin, and prior to wrapping the presents, he downloaded some Internet-free apps that I could dabble in, or doodle with, I should say..My one in particular favorite new app is the Doodle Pad!


My artistic inspiration was pretty lame at first.  I didn't rush into anything original or earth-shattering.  I took my time...  Start with what you know...  Don't set your aspirations too high....Rainbows are a good start...

Then I worked my way into ants and wasps and a pot leaf on a picnic...

I quickly found out you could input pictures into the doodle app:

This one is Trevor's creation.  We did see wild turkeys, blue birds and a skunk climbing a cliff all in one day.  The penguin was only in Trevor's dreams...

More photo art work:

Me, Trevor, and our third wheel Kevin

Santa Trevor?

The boyfriend of my 13-year old dreams

Then we messed around with the photo booth:

and then I started drawing jokes.....

 

Here we go

A Cat walks into a Bar...

.....(this is an inside joke, sorry folks...rough start)

 A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

What do you call a dinosaur who lost his glasses?

Do-you-think-he-saw-us?

 Why did the chicken commit suicide?

to get to the other side

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get some support here, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why was the pimp soaking wet?

because he had a run-in with the hose (Julie-original thank-you very-much)

What would George Washington be doing if he were alive today?

Meh, he'd probably be kicking and banging at the lid of his coffin...

 What time is a good time to go to the dentist?

tooth-hurty

 What do you call a priest's number 2?

Holy Sh*t.......(another Julie original..... and yes, my mother already informed me I am aware I am going to hell for this one)

 Did you hear about that cat who married the ball of yarn?

They had mittens!! (Trevor original)

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

Where did the General put his Armies?

in his sleevies!

 Knock Knock

Who's there?

I eat mop

I eat mop-who?!

Treasures for Trulie

December 22nd ...the first day of winter ... my least favorite season...the shortest, darkest day of the year.... boohoo boo.hoo.  Boo who?  Starting late June and ending late December the days are constantly getting shorter and shorter.  Everyday brings less sunlight more darkness. Less activity...more couch... Until that dreaded darkest day.  After which is my absolute favorite day of the year December 23rd.  The day that starts getting longer again! And I have half a year of longer days to look forward too!  I have survived another dark age and life is getting brighter again.  I can do more thing in the sunlight after work again.  It also means I almost survived another  holiday season.

This holiday season came and went with out the usual jingle bell-induced trauma.   I did all my present purchasing online, successfully avoided store shopping..avoiding lines, confusion, achy feet, sweaty armpits, and above all that obnoxious Christmas music.  I left the Traveling Willberries CD in the car stereo all month long.  A few days before Christmas Trevor found my cherished Harry Connick, Jr.  holiday hits sound track. I listened to it twice, fulfilling my Christmas carol needs and retired it till next year.

This year I must have been very good because my adult Santa, Trevor, bought me an iPad.... I bought him a Forever Lazy.

--drawn on the iPad--

This season's gift-giving imbalances very closely mimicked that of Christmas 2009 when I bought Trevor his first iPhone and he bought me a knock-off Kmart snuggie.... 

Now we're even...

...And fully up to snuff as far as gadgets and cozy comfort-wear goes.

I call this one Forever Trevor

I thought Trevor might get me and iPad but I wasn't sure.  He was very sneaky about it. A couple months ago I received an e-mail with the subject line "Welcome to Your New iPad!!". I deleted it immediately because I didn't get a new iPad, so it surely must be spam.   Then I remembered it's almost christmas.  Trevor had asked me some questions on whether I thought the Kindle Fire was as good as the iPad. I have no idea.  But that conversation clued me in to his thought prcoess.   He would probably maybe get me a Kindle or some other type of tablet, touch screen gadget. After thinking about the e-mail and our previous conversation I started getting excited that maybe he DID get me an iPad. I still wanted it to be a surprise though.

About a week later I received another e-mail titled: "Your New iPad Awaits!" even though I said I wanted it to be a surprise I still couldn't resist.  If Trevor had been home at the time I would have deleted the e-mail without reading it, but he wasn't, and I was curious... I couldn't resist... so I opened it... And it lead me to a porn website....Nope no iPad for me....

Leading up to Christmas day there were two presents for me under the tree.  Both of them were about the size and shape of a box that could possibly contain iPad. I fiddled around with both of them when Trevor wasn't looking...One gift was definitely a box and the other one was definitely a book.

On Christmas day Trevor opens a few presents first.  I didn't just get Trevor a forever lazy I also got him some socks, a new razor, and some other little knick knacks.  He opens his gifts.  I make some eggs. Then he says that I should open one.....The moment of truth....

I figure if the box does indeed contain an iPad, then he will give me the book first and save the good stuff for last.   I will know immediately how my day is going to go based on which one he picks up first from under the counter (where we stored the presents for lack of a proper tree).  He picks up the box....frown....  I accept that I am not getting a tablet... I open it up.... It's a book.  I'm slightly bummed that I'm getting two books after this schizo build-up I've been working myself up into.  He hands me the next present...the book.  I open it up and it's one of his old school workbooks full of shredded pages.  I have been tricked.  And I recognize his trickery.  He had chopped out the insides of it to hide my brand new baby iPad!

Nice work, T-rex....

Another  present sent to us by Trevor's parents was a characature that and old roommate drew of me a Trova back in the day....

I am pretty sure it was most likely inspired by these pictures...

A Very Corporate Christmas

At a recent corporate holiday party, a rather bold co-worker dressed up in Trevor's elf outfit and lip-synced to an awful rendition of Oh Holy Night....

It was hilarious, entertaining, and refreshing....  Everyone was having a good chuckle... well mostly everyone.  We walked into this e-mail Monday morning:


Dear Colleagues,

An anonymous letter was received from an employee who expressed appreciation for our recent holiday party.  However, the letter also indicated that some of our employees were deeply offended by the ‘spoof’ of the song Oh Holy Night that was performed at the party. 

I was sadden to receive this letter as the intent of the party was to create an atmosphere where employees felt appreciated for their efforts and enjoyed the time they spent together.

After closer review of the lyrics of the song, I now understand why the well intended effort to add levity to the party was in fact misguided and inappropriate.  While the Employee Events Committee put forth months of effort on the many details planning the party, had we been more vigilant on this part of the event I’m sure we would have decided on a different song.

On behalf of the company, the Events Committee members and the performer of the skit, I extend my sincere regrets to those who were in any way offended or felt uncomfortable with it.

I hope all those adversely affected understand and forgive what was an unfortunate oversight.

Happy Holidays,

Your HR manager

Oh Christmas sensitivities....

A Business Baby in Cincinnasti

Cincinnati isn't as bad as I was expecting.  It's a little chilly.  It's a little quiet.  People look like east-coasters.  Drive like west-coaster  There's a lot of diversity.  Traffic's not too bad.  There's a lot of Bengals fans.  That's all I really have to say about that.  If I had to grade it, I'd give it a C+.

This trip has been a business as usual experience...awkward business fun...

It's awkward being on a business trip and eating breakfast in the hotel lobby by yourself.  It's even more awkward when the lonely, cane-toting, grey haired, disheveled old man in the back won't stop staring at you.  Even more awkward as you wait for your toast to toast and you see him coming towards you out the corner of your eye....Please don't talk to me... Then he taps you on the shoulder and says "I'm sorry but I just had to say good morning to you because you are a gorgeous young lady."  ...Nervous laughter, burnging face...hehe thanks, now please go away...silly old man..I turn to sit at a table and the waitress comes in to kindly remind me that this table is reserved and she'll seat me over here...next to this sweet old man with the stare bear eyes.....awkward.

It's also awkward that as I wait in the break room with my business casual attire I'm thinking to myself I look like a goof. Then a sweet lady asks me what position I'm applying for?  Oh no I'm not applying for a job here, I'm here to train some of the lab techs...OH, Ok.. Are you just out of college?   No.

Another time I went up to a different lab door for a meeting... it's locked.... I phone in to the guy I'm supposed to meet with...He'll be right down to let me in.  He opens the door.... "Hello!  Heh, ya know on the phone you sound like you're 13, and now that I see you in person....you look like you're 13!"

How does a girl get any damn respect in this business world?  What can I wear or do to make it a little more obvious to strangers that "I AM NOT A CHILD!"

I should probably wear high heels... Meh, forget it.  I don't care that much.

Over in Cincinnati, there isn't too much going on....

The Bengals lost...  The stores close early.. 

There's the Great American Insurance Building:

And there's a local Nutcracker play (sponsored by the Great American Insurance) and the ballerina's crown is mirrored after the top of the Great American Insurance Building:

I had to call in to a conference call while here.  Thats was a first.  Normally if I can't make it there in person, no one really notices me missing.  But little Julie's growing up and being responsible.  I called in with my co-worker from my cell phone.  We were driving on the way to the airport when we called but eventually we had to pull over in the car rental parking lot to kill some time.  Still on the call, this huge swarm of birds wouldn't stop flying around.  I put the phone on mute and started snapping photos.  Not sure if you can tell but there are millions of birds in Cincinnati:

There is also one of the largest Children's Hospital in the US, here in Cincinnati.  I used to think if I could be anything I would be a doctor.  And if I could be any kind of doctor I would be a pediatrician.    I am so glad I didn't follow my childhood goals... Working in a children's hospital is depressing...all these little quiet kids with Michael Jackson masks on...kids shouldn't be that still or that quiet... parents shouldn't look so worried.

To leave you on a cheery note, baby Trevor was child once with simple, honest, accomplishable goals... and I'd say so far he's done pretty well:

He wins!

Merry Kidsmas

It's That Time Again...

Most kids write letters to Santa, Mr. Claus, asking for things that they don't really need.  Nice, sweet, baby Trevor...he writes to the Mrs.  asking how she's doing, how's her day?  Hoping she's not too cold..  Does she celebrate Valentine's day?  What a little romancer...

As for Santa, if he could give Santa a present...he's give him a good elf for cooking:

Life is a joke

I told Trevor I met a woman on the airplane who was a clinical psychologist at the University of Michigan.  Trevor asked me how I started talking to her.  I replied "Meh, we were just shooting the shit on line for the toilet..."    heh, sounds interesting....

A man named Bell invented the hard-shell taco and started a taco fast food chain named Taco Bell.  

In Australia they have a Mexcellent restaurant named Taco Bill.

Bill Bell played the tuba

Ya know those round bails of hay you sometimes see in the fields out in the country?
Did you hear how PETA's trying to ban them?
Yea, cause the animals can't get a square meal out of them!

(Delivery is everything)

So a dyslexic man walked into a bra...

How do you tell a smart cow from a dumb cow?
The smart cows are out standing in their field

What do you call a cow sitting down?
ground beef

Ya know why sheep aren't so musically talented?
Cause they only know one baa


Additionally, I bought these pants, and I love them:

The End of Oz

Australia is like the little bitter independent teenage sister of the UK, always trying to get out of her "angel child" sister's shadow.  Whatever the UK does, Australia does the opposite.  The UK ties their shiny white shoelaces nice and tight and Australia puts in black laces, shaves their heads and puts on a spiked collar...just because.

 The UK criminalizes prostitution.  Australia makes it legal.  The UK restricts gambling practices.  In Australia there is a casino or some sort of sports betting place on every block.  In the UK they play rugby on a rectangular field, the players can't pass backwards, and there is a limit on substitutions.  In Australia anything goes:  they use an oval field, players can pass the ball whenever they like, and would you be surprised that they have no limits on substitution?

But try as they might, they still have a very polite British accent when they come to their street signs:

"Consider vehicles following" ....that's nice

"Do not overtake"  ok

"Make Way"

"Way out"  = Exit

"Drink, drive, bloody idiot"


And even thought both Brits and Aussies speak "English,"  they really aren't always speaking the same language.  Here are some other Aussie to British translations:

Warning: take 'em with a grain of salt or a shot of tequila... I got them from a bookmark:

G'day mate____Pleased to meet your acquaintance

You little rippert_____Words of praise fail me

Fair dinkum____ Of course I'm telling the truth

Pull ya head in____ You may be correct in your assertion but shut up

Bloody oath!_______I'm in total agreement with you

Howya going?____ May I enquire about your welfare

Give it a go ya mug!____ Are you perhaps incapable of performing this act?

Your shout_____If you value your well-being you should buy the next drink

You Drongo_____ You rather dimwitted person

Rack off____ your presence is no longer required

Wanna cuppa?_____Would you care for some tea?

Go and tart yourself up____Please dress in your best clothes

The old man's shot through_____My husband's left town

Don't get your knickers in a knot_____Don't upset yourself

What's the latest goss? ____ Any juicy news?

Grouse lippy_____ What a nice shade of lipstick


And one of the best things about Australia... traveling as far away as you've ever been, and realizing thought facebook that you have friends just around the corner..

Get stuffed bitch_____Leave whenever you like

How ya goin' luv?____ I hope you are feeling well

Shut ya gob____  Tell someone who cares

Don't crap on _____ Aren't you exaggerating?

Scandal on the Cliffs

On our way to see the 12 Apostles we stopped at the Gorge and Razorback lookout.  This is the site of a shipwreck dating back to the late 1800s.  In fact this whole section of coast was the site of at least 80 known shipwrecks around this time.  The jagged coastline mixed with shallow reefs and swift currents led to this area being nicknamed the "shipwreck coast."  The particular wreck that happened here was aboard the Loch Ard boat. 

site of the shipwreck

Lead by a young captain, the ship ran into a reef and has swung onto the rocks.  It was believed the ship completely sank within minutes killing the entire crew save for two survivors, an 18 year old deck hand named Tom and an 18 year old fancy passenger named Eva.  Eva's entire family died in the crash. 

The family was on voyage from England to visit their disgraceful little brother, Michael.  While in England, Michael had found an innovative way to creep on naked ladies...He would climb into the ceiling of his apartment and crawl around until he found the neighbor's bathroom and drill a peephole in to get his spy on.  Well, one day on one of his secret expeditions the ceiling fell through.  He was apprehended and subsequently shipped off to Australia will all the rest of the disgraceful Brits.  Causing heartache to his family once, he again was the reason that his family was on that boat in the first place, and the reason his entire family except his one sister is dead...

While in her night gown Eva managed to pull herself from the water and climb onto a rock.  She screamed for help until Tom heard her and rescued her to a cave on the beach. 

the cave

They spent the night in the cave and in the morning, Tom climbed up the cliffs and walked 4-5 miles to the nearest town to get help. 

the brush Tom walked through for help

They came back and rescued Eva.  Afterwards Tom proposed to Eva and she accepted and they lived happily ever after....

Just kidding.  Tom did indeed propose to Eva because chatty gossip and rumors spread like wildfire about what the two unmarried teenagers may or may not have done while in that cave overnight.  Social norms of the times deemed it disgraceful for a woman to spend a night with an unmarried man whatever the circumstances.  Tom, being the new town hero and an all-around good guy, meant to relieve Eva of that reputation.  He asked her to marry her.  She said no...and went back to England.

lady bugs!

wonder how Tom scaled the cliffs?

A little further down the coastline from Tom and Eva's cave is another cliff structure called the London bridge:

This bridge was once connected to the mainland until fairly recently when the middle of it fell into the sea.  At the time it fell in, hikers were walking out on it.  Five of them went out walking, and only 3 returned safely.  The other two didn't fall in, but they were now stranded on the newly formed island.  Luckily their friends made it out safe and called  the authorities the nearest town.  The police dispatched a helicopter to rescue the couple.  In the small town of Port Campbell, news of the drama spread fast and reporters swarmed the cliffs in order to interview and get a picture of the stranded couple.....  The couple however, refused to have their photos taken and did not want to give their real names. 


As it turns out the stranded couple were married, but just not to each other.... Rough way to get caught, bet they weren't expecting that one