Reason #1:
Loud public conversation overheard from suited-up businessman on his cellphone in the airport terminal: "I thought she was a hooker... she was all dressed up and had all this money and I don't know why money doesn't make her happy, but I guess it's because she's not my wife...."
I hate you....and your wife.
Reason #2:
Conversation with flight staff after getting off the plane and walking into the terminal:
Airline staff: "Cold out there?!"
Me (trying to be honest): "Ummm it looks like it, but I don't know, I could only feel a little breeze getting off the plane..."
Airline staff (with sassy attitude): "Well aren't you lucky you little jet-setter, living the life, going to all these exotic places!! I wish I could be you, even if just for the hair!"
Okkkkk, thanks crazy lady, gotta go, Bye!
Reason #3
Semi-empty plane. Young hipster dude sitting in the aisle seat across from my aisle seat enthusiastically says this as the middle-seat passenger next to him gets up to move to another vacant seat after asking the fight attendant if it is OK:
"There are up sides to not wearing deodorant or showering for 5 days."
Then he gets out a deck of cards, starts shuffling and looks back and forth from me to the uninterested window seat guy next to him and says "Anyone wanna play poker?"
Ummmm, No, but I want to barf all over you!
And since we are now open to dialogue....
"GO IN THE BATHROOM AND WASH YOURSELF IN THE TOILET, YOU FRIGGING DISGUSTING SLOB! YOU CAN AFFORD THIS PLANE TICKET YOU CAN AFFORD TO TAKE A SHOWER!!! NOW I AM NAUSEOUSLY STUCK NEXT TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 6 HOURS OF THIS CROSS COUNTRY FLIGHT WITH POOR AIR VENTILATION. YOU ADMITTING TO YOUR AWFUL HYGIENE IS CRIMINAL!!! YOU SHOULD BE INCARCERATED AND TORTURED FOR VIOLATING THE LUNGS AND NOSTRILS OF THESE 100+ INNOCENT PASSENGERS. I HATE YOU."
Deep breaths...no wait....bad idea....
My last travel date was fairly uneventful in the flight frustration department. We visited our good buds, Kevin and Serena, who were recently married in Australia. Kevin, as you will remember, was our second third wheel for awhile. Serena, as you may recall, was a random girl at a bar that I drunkenly/jokingly picked out to be Kevin's new girlfriend, and 5 years later...they got hitched! So yes, next to Serena and his mom, I am Kevin's third favorite/most important person in his life.
At their wedding party I recited a poem, which was inspired by Bob Saget's Old English folk song, that I wrote for them while on the plane to meet them:
This was my poem for Kevin and Serena (sing it like Bob while you read it):
Kevin's our third wheel who has the best of luck.
We hoped he could find someone he'd like to
Spend time together doing nothing at all.
So I hand-picked Serena cause she wasn't too...
Scared off by Kevin's crazy looks and fun fam.
When she showed up at Thanksgiving, I think we all thought "God
this is exciting! Wonder what will come next?"
Then she drove home and we all thought "maybe they will have
great times in the future!" Then they started to kiss.
We were scared to tell Serena that her boyfriend drank
something from the bathroom that wasn't a beer.
But she didn't mind and she stuck around proving Kevin's not
incapable of finding a girl who'll judge him
for who he is, and not what he drinks, let's cheers to Kevin
and Serena, a match made at a bar.
But who's love for each other is felt near and...
AFAR is where Serena landed her first real sweet job.
And she traveled round with our third wheel who wasn't
aware of what he should do to help an absurd
situation that started with Serena's floating
hope for a partner with good plumbing skills.
Congrats to the newlyweds, here's to many more thrills!
Dear Schnepners, You are welcome!
