Friday, January 28, 2011

Your Daily Mugrat

 As reported by Wikipedia, "The Daily Targum is the official student newspaper of Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey. Founded in 1869, it is the second-oldest collegiate newspaper in the United States."

Once a year the Daily Targum runs a spoof edition called the Mugrat where they report such stories as:
    Rutgers professor has been held in the county jail, charged with cruelty to animals.
    Some member of the Rutgers community is a terrorist.
   The weather forecast in February is 80 degrees and sunny.
   NASA plans to blow up Mars....

ya know unbelievable stuff.

So when I was reading the daily newspaper out here in California, I had to double check the other articles for spoof-a-licious evidence.  Were these stories a joke?

I could not find any overwhelming evidence that the were not....  but they were pretty entertaining, so I will let you decide for yourself....

Mr. Fixit
 A 53-year-old  woman in a wheelchair told deputies that her attorney suggested that she hire a 65-year-old  man to help her with her physical disabilities. The pair spent the night in a  motel room. In the morning, after trying unsuccessfully to get her new employee to vacate the room, she called the Sheriff's Department and then took herself to the Hospital for medical treatment. "The man didn't do a damn thing to help me," the woman said. The personal assistant preferred jail to the alternative of telling deputies exactly what he did and did not do for his disabled client.


It's still ticking, somewhere
The owner of a hair salon in an upscale resort hotel returned from lunch at precisely 1 p.m. Following a long-established routine, he put his wristwatch in his coat pocket to avoid getting it wet. Then he put his coat in a coat closet, carefully folded his shirt cuffs and began washing, cutting and otherwise tending to the hair of well-heeled clients. At 8 p.m. that night, he pulled into his garage, reached into his coat pocket and found that the watch had disappeared. Any one who has ever craved a $32,000 gold Rolex could have told him that it's guaranteed to keep on ticking to a depth of up to 100 meters.

How does this make the newspaper?

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be . . . . . ."
A 19-year-old man loaned his $500 camera to a 19-year-old friend back in 2006. In October of last year he ran into the friend and asked him to return the camera. Instead, the man produced a blank check and made it out in the amount of $500. Believing he had finally been reimbursed, according to the sheriff's report, the lender cashed the check at a barbershop where he was a frequent customer. You guessed it. The shop owner came after him for a bounced check. The well-intentioned lender avoided arrest by paying off the debt in cash on Jan. 18. Now he's out $500 for the camera and $500 for the phony check. The borrower won't be out of jail for a while.

Through the looking glass
A 27-year-old  man was arrested in the early morning of Jan. 9 while staggering drunk down the street wearing a single sandal. A witness said he seemed perfectly fine on the other side of the street where deputies found his cell phone, wallet and second sandal.

I'm sick and tired and I'm not going to take it
A 20-year-old man became frustrated while playing video games in a pizza parlor. According to sheriff's deputies, he banged and kicked the arcade machines, then ran across the street, threw a chair and brick block at a coffee shop window and tried to halt traffic in the middle of the street. When arrested, deputies said, the man talked philosophically about having intercourse with the world.

The grass is greener
A  woman reported the theft of her purse and groceries outside a food market around noon on Jan. 16. She said she left them unattended on a bench in front of the store while she took a walk for about 15 minutes. This would not have happened in Mexico, she told a Spanish-speaking interpreter.

You serious Clark?

Old buddies
The two men were friends for many years. One man was 47, the other 60. The younger man lived in an apartment with his 88-year-old mother. The older man occasionally spent the night there and helped care for the aging woman. But one night, according to the sheriff's report, things went terribly wrong. The overnight friend refused to help with the dishes. He was "tackled to the floor" and hit several times by the younger man. Then the mother excommunicated him from the house. Any man who won't wash a dish can go fish, she allegedly mumbled quietly through her dentures. The ex-house guest was found battered but unbowed in a nearby park. "We were just drunk," he told deputies. "Tomorrow we'll hug and make up. We're old buddies."

All in the family
A 24-year-old woman received a 2-inch horizontal scratch to the right side of her forehead, scrape marks on both knees and a 1-inch scratch mark across her nose after an altercation with several female family members (sound like the Erickson household?). Deputies broke up the fight and then asked the battered woman if she wanted to file charges. "It's all right," she told them. "They think I'm hooking up with my cousin. They're my cousins too. It's just family."
(Crime blotter excerpts written by G. Wormser. Jan 24th, 2011)

In the new baby arena, I have a new baby niece who was born today (yesterday Jan 27th) , Persephone Pappas.

Persephone and BIG Sister, Eliza

I leave you with another joke (created by Trevor) that was inspired by my dermatologist.....

[WARNING: Viewer Discretion is advised.  Do not look at the image below if you are eating.  You may barf. ]

"Ya know how I knew your dermatologist was a comedian?"


"...because she left you in stitches............."

Ha ha ah.  Good one.  Ah, the marvels of modern medicine.  See something funny? Meh, just chop it off and sew the person back together.  Now you don't have to worry about it.   Thank goodness for red wine and my new pain killer of choice, Disaronno, works wonders.  

Tomorrow morning I get to have my cavity filled in my molar.  I am one lucky girl this week.

Note to Self:  After declaring to get your doctor's appointments back on track for your new years resolution, it would be wise to spread them out throughout the year so as to avoid concurrent stabbings and drillings. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Holy Moly I've Got Sticky Fingers (and other time wasters)

Someone made this comment on facebook:

"(I)  think blogs are the biggest waste of time ever... Nobody cares what other people think or are doing!"

It actually made me feel bad for a brief second.  Why do I write these posts?  Does anyone really care about what I have to say?  My mom cares, I guess.   Should I be doing something better with my time?  Am I a big blogging loser?!

I thought about it a little more and got really mad at this comment......

First off, the author of this comment once sat on and broke my hot-pink-zebra-print-sunglasses, and never apologized.... This was 11 years ago.  I do not hold grudges but I do count tabs... Strike 1.

Secondly, if you think no one cares about what others have to say, what makes you think people care about what you have to say on facebook?!  Call it a blog, call it a "status update" or a tweet or whatever, it's all the same thing.   And if you say don't like it, then why are you doing it?  Get off it. 

Thricely (?) or Thirdly,  the truth is that people really do care about what other people are doing even if all they are doing is complaining or wasting time.   People love reality TV shows, and facebook, and twitter and blogs.   They love calling and texting and e-mailing and gossiping.... 

I would dare to say that the only things people actually care about are the thoughts and actions of other people.

SO hopefully if you're reading this, I won't have to convince you that this blog isn't a waste of time.   Because let's face it, we are just trying to entertain each other here. Welcome to life. 

Here is your post for the day....

Q: What do you call a blind rodent that joins the priesthood?

A: Holy Moly

That joke was inspired by my dermatologist who diligently removed a mole from my stomach as I tried to hold my breath to prevent the scalpal from slipping and slicing the wrong area...suspenseful, I know.  I love local anesthesia though, I didn't feel a thing.   The worst part is a few days later when it doesn't hurt and is starting to heal and with the healing process becomes itchy.  But it's on your stomach and you don't usually have cuts on your stomach and your not in pain or thinking about it anymore so when you feel the itch you give it a nice big scratch! realize what you've done as the scab is partway under fingernail and sends a shiver of yick-eek-yuck down your spine....bleeding again.  Yum.  Hole-y mole-y. 

Aside from the minor health issue,  the other exciting news of the week is that we have upgraded the apartamento...

Trading out the foof:

For a new piano!
..well it is new to us at least... Gotta love that craigslist!

The foof is being stored at an off-site location and we do have visitation rights, but to be honest... I don't miss it all that much.  But don't tell the foof that.

When I was little I had one favorite stuffed animal.   I remember never wanting to say which one was my favorite because I didn't want the other stuffed animals to feel neglected.  At night I would sleep with every stuffed animal I owned tucked under my arms.

I also slept in the un-furnished, concrete-floored, cricket-infested basement for a month in a tent made out of cardboard boxes and a nest made of blankets and sleeping bags.  It was during this time that I taught myself origami.  True story.

Another true story for you:   About 5 months ago I broke a ceramic bowl.  I proceeded to leave it on the counter for the entire summer and fall until on Sunday while cleaning up shop, I finally decided to proactively go to CVS, buy superglue, and attempt to put it back together.  I had three of the largest pieces glued in place and pressed them firmly together for the recommended 30-40 seconds before I realized that both my hands were completely, firmly, and securely anchored to the bowl.  I've glued fingers to fingers before and it was never this bad.  The next 30 minutes consisted of a very bored Julie standing in the kitchen with my hands in a sink full of hot bubbly water.  Are they still stuck?  Yep, they're still stuck.... 5 minutes later.....Are they still stuck? Owww YES,  Julie they're still stuck..... I thought about smashing the bowl so at least I would be able to move my fingers even if they still had just a tiny piece of ceramic stuck to the tips.  My first action once I got my hands freed?  .....chucked that bowl in the trash.  I no longer have fingerprints on 3 of my fingers.

I leave you, my dear friends, with an encouraging Butterscrotch update:

He is alive!  and is looking much healthier.  His scalp has healed over completely and the fur on his head has grown back.   Everyday when I get home he greets me at the driver side door of the car, walks with me to the mailbox, then walks with me to the side door. 

He is not allowed in the house and I never touch him with my hands.  These things are mutually understood.   If we're both feeling up to it, he will sometimes roll over on his back and I'll occasionally give him a little belly scratch with a hand rake. 

When we had the piano movers come by on Sunday, we had moved some things outside to make room.  The indoor rug has since become the outdoor rug after Butterscrotch claimed it.  At one point during the move one of the movers knelt down and started petting and snuggling up to Butterscrotch saying, "Aww what a cute little kitty..."

In my head I was thinking... "I wouldn't touch that cat if I were you....."

Monday, January 17, 2011

Travels and Tribulations

So I've been bad at blogging lately.  I've also been pretty bad at not losing things.... What can I say, I'm a loser.

Over Christmas vacation I lost my camera at Trevor's house.  I found it the next day only to lose it again the following day..... never to be found again  (...or at least until my sister, Colleen, found it last week).  I probably won't get it back until March, so I apologize for the lack of photos in the next 3 months of posts.

For New Year's Eve we flew to Denver who was also in the middle of a snow storm (we had 3 feet of snow in New Jersey) and record breaking low temperatures (in the minus during the day).  That night we saw Faceman perform at a bar downtown. 

This is Faceman's Face

This is the face of Faceman

 Faceman is our third wheel, Kevin's twin brother's band.   We took the train into the city to avoid driving.  While at the bar we left our coats and bags in a pile at the corner of the stage.  We had a great time during the show and at the end of the night we began collecting our things.  Everyone grabbed their coats but where is my coat?  Did I leave it here?  I thought I did.  My gloves are here.... well one's here and one's there.  They used to be in the sleeve of my coat..... uh oh,  my coat is gone! AND it's the coldest night ever in Denver.  And the trains are running so few and far between and the trains that do eventually come are crammed full of people.  We squish our way onto the last train of the night and make it home by 3:45am.  We left the bar around 12:45.  I am an ice cube.  Happy New Year. 

New Years Resolution # 1:  Buy a new coat.

The rest of the weekend we spent indoors at my Dad and Sally's house. 

We taught Matt how to play Angry Birds

And watched Mighty Machines with Samuel

The following Monday morning we headed to the Denver airport to fly home.  My cousin was also at my Dad's house the same weekend.  Her flight was leaving a couple hours before ours so we all went to the airport together.  Trevor and I had about 4 hours to kill before take-off.  We check our luggage and trek our carry-ons over to the terminal and park it.  We each have a backpack, I have a purse, Trevor the laptop bag.  We sit for awhile playing angry birds.  Then we get hungry. We grab the backpacks and the purse and head for some breakfast sandwiches.  We sit in a new spot and eat them.  We get bored.  We get up again and puruse the shops.  Then we go find some new seats.  Now we are boarding.   We are in the last zone called so we are the last group to board.  I sit down at the window seat as Trevor shoves some things in the overhead.  I ask him if he can please keep the laptop bag down by our feet because I have a book in there I want to read.  He looks at me with fear in his eyes. "Laptop bag? What laptop bag?  I don't have the laptop bag.  Don't you have the laptop bag?!"

Me: "What?! No. Crap!"

I grab my purse and go flying down the aisle to keep the flight attendent from closing the door.  The nasty lady at the front gives me a sneer "Ma'm you'll have to take your seat."  while I blabber on "I have to get off this plane, I left my bag in the terminal, I can't leave without it!!!"  She threatens "If you get off this plane you are not coming back on."  Me: "Sucks but bye!"  I know if I don't at least try to get that bag now, I will surely never see it again.....not the bag, not the laptop, not the kindle.......

I sprint down the walkway and break through the gate entrance where the man at the counter looks at me with wild eyes.  I see my laptop bag immediately, 10 ft the first set of seats we sat down in (about 4 hours ago!).  I say to him "I just forgot my bag, but see it's right there."  I get it and am back at the counter in 5 seconds, the door to the plane barely closed and I am begging that man to open the door and let me back on the plane.  "I'm sorry ma'm but we just can't let you on the plane.   Not with HER down there, anyway.  But I can put you on the next plane leaving tonight."  Me: "Tonight?!  It's noon.  I've been here since 8am.  All my belongings are on that plane.  My boyfriend's on that plane.  I have his house keys in my purse!"   (I'm lucky I at least took my purse off so if I did need to eat I could buy something.  I text Trevor  'I'll see you later tonight, they won't let me back on.'  I try not to cry.  The guy at the counter asks me to step aside so he can help the next person.  I am devastated. 

Then he gets a call.  I overhear him say, "Yes she's right here... Yep she found the bag.....Ok.....Ok... Ok.......Sure yea bye"  He hangs up.  Hands me my ticket and says, "GO!"  I never ran so fast in my life.  Back on the plane the nasty lady give me the dirtiest stink-eye ever and Trevor's expression was priceless...jaw dropped...confusion.  The flight attendent comes over to me and apologizes out the wazoo for the nasty lady's behavior and encourages me to write an official complaint.  Heh, I don't even care about her, I am just happy to be back on this plane and headed home!

So we survived the holiday trip and at least both of us made it back in one piece.  The laptop and kindle made it back.  The camera will be home shortly.  The coat, meh it's replaceable and besides it doesn't hold years and years of photographic memories.   Did I mention it was 78 degrees and not a cloud in the sky all weekend?  Who needs a coat anyway?

Travel-free for at least the next 3 months.   

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Keeping the Christ in Christmas... as in "Christ, you've had a bad year!"

Here is a serious Christmas card that was actually sent to someone I know....

Disclaimer:  All participants and gender-related pronouns will be kept completely anonymous to prevent further depression of the author...

Christmas card cover:

"God's gift of LOVE"

Insert picture of baby Jesus.


Written text:

"Dear "______,"

Sorry I didn't write last year as I was really down.  I was going through another divorce.  "___" kicked me out of the new house we built.  I didn't go back.  I found out too late that "___" is a co-dependent person.  I lived in fear for 1.5 years.  I am much happier now back at the shop with my dog.  I'm getting used to being by myself.

I'm building up a camper van from a large Dodge van.  I will take it to Arizona this February and tow my motorcycle on a trailer.  Going to take a month off.

Next year maybe three!!"

Printed text:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..."
(John 3:16a)

Written text:


Cheer up Charlie (not the name of the author).   May 2011 bring you not as crappy of a year as you just had.....    And hopefully none of you bloggers and bloggetttes have had as miserable a year as this poor soul!  Happy New Year!


Jolly Bloggin