Thursday, January 28, 2016

Yoga 'na shut yo mouth about my style

I have been lazy and out of shape lately, but I finally convinced myself to stop taking pictures of animal tracks in the snow and start working out.  Instead of the hard kind of working out like using the treadmill or weights in the wonderful basement gym that was included in the house purchase, I opted for a beginner yoga video on youtube in the spacious equipment-free loft.

Yoga is so much more relaxing to do at home. You can go to bed immediately afterwards, you can lay down in the middle of class without being judged, you can wear whatever you want, you don't have someone farting it up next to you...

This last particular at-home yoga session (day 3 of a 30 part series), I was wearing my typical (work from home) business attire: blue fleece-lined leggings, a leopard print mini skirt, and my little sister's wonderfully over-sized hand me down turtleneck sweater (which her fiance lovingly suggested she give away to charity).  I was very happy to inherit this sweater, because what it lacks in looks, it more than makes up for in warmth, comfort and coziness.

I love it so much I wear it all the time.  Not only have I been lazy about working out, but I have also been pretty lazy about doing laundry and paying attention to how things smell....that is until I am in downward facing dog position and the baggy turtle neck part of the sweater is draped across my face and what is that dirty rotten smell?  Take this sweater off!!  Nope too cold...put it back on...different pose....then back to downward facing dog....sweater over face... Yuck! why does it smell  like barf... Take it off!... ... but why is it so damn cold in this house?!....put it back more downward facing dog tonight.....ahhh child's pose.....relaaaaaaaaxxxxxx......should be doing laundryyyyyyyyyyy

I made it through the rest of the 30 minute video and although I was definitely cutting corners due to my stinky sweater and my inability to withstand life without it, I also had to stop the video 5 times to write down all the annoying things that this instructor was saying so I could remember to tell you! She is horrible.  She thinks she is so funny talking about how she should write a book about butt clenching.  News flash! Nobody would read a book about butt clenching, sista!! Then she starts talking about how she was in a car crash and how her body was such a wreck...ummmm HELLO?  Lady?!!  I am trying to relax over here!!  I don't want to hear some horrible story about your back injury, I am trying to calm down and think about nothing, now SHUT UP!  Then she tries to joke about how goofy and unorganized she is trying to do some stupidly easy pose.  Girlfriend, you don't know the first thing about being goofy and unorganized, now shut your trap and do yoga, you fool!  Grrrrrrr!

I will let you know if Jersey Julie survives the remaining 27 sessions...

And I promise to work on my wardrobe situation.   Working from home I "don't get out much" but on the rare occasion I do meet another fellow human, I have managed some pretty strange experiences centered around my wardrobe.  The other day I was grocery store shopping in the eggos aisle when an old man, unprovoked, came right up to me and said "Excuse me, miss, I noticed you in the produce section. I just have to ask, why are you dressed like that?"  For a split second I thought I may have left the house in my robe and slippies and my heart skipped a beat.  I looked down at my clothes to double check. Nope: leggings, pink skirt, sweater with a big orange heart, normal (for me) clothes. Then I slowly looked back up at him, not really knowing what to say.... he jues has to ask?   How weird do I look to him?? 

The delay must have made him realize I was confused and maybe slightly offended because he quickly stuttered out "I mean, do you normally dress so colorfully?...are you eh uh, coming from a special occasion?"  No, these are just the clothes I own and this is what I normally wear grocery shopping.    The man was 85 years old he has two adult children who refuse to get married or have children of their own and this upsets him. He doesn't talk to them very often.  He stopped working full time over 25 years ago after he put his wife through college and then she started working. He thinks marriage really changes people.  He is not convinced I am older than 18 and he thinks my husband is the luckiest man in the world.  He thinks I radiate honesty.  Little does he know I dress like this on purpose just to mess with old people...    I kid.

Then again just last week, I was in the waiting room of the hospital with my mom and my sister's in-laws.  My sister and brother-in-law were busy upstairs having their baby.  Meanwhile the family members downstairs have been snacking, sleeping, waiting in silence, more snacking, having good conversations, followed by some small talk, more texting, then snacking, throw in a couple walks to the bathroom or vending machine... Minding our own business camped out in our circle of waiting room chairs in the hospital lobby when, again, out of nowhere and completely unprovoked, and older woman with oxygen tubes up her nose, urgently walks up to interrupt our circle of a waiting game.  And at first I thought she was going to ask "where's the doctor?!" or "someone help me!" But instead she starts going on and on about how "I've only ever seen children dressed like you.   I have never seen a grown woman dressed like that.  But this look...this look is very becoming on you though..."

Well, thank you my dear old lady.  I actually have been daydreaming to start designing baby clothes for adults (true story!).  Now you have inspired me.  Maybe it is a sign I should start designing baby clothes for old people...