Bloody Mary Never Flossed

I floss my teeth religiously.... about twice a year around the holidays.  I kid, I kid.  I only floss them twice a year around my dentist appointment time.  Usually my dentist appointments go something like this:

1.  I forget about flossing my teeth for the 6 months ahead of the appointment.

2.  I remember the night before that I should floss my teeth so I don't get yelled at.

3.  Regardless of my pathetic attempt, I still get scolded for not flossing my teeth because what has one day of flossing actually done?  Nothing.  It has not helped at all, the disgusted look on my dental hygienist's face has me guilted into thinking I am a horribly disgusting human being because I do not floss my teeth...

4.  After the dentist appointment  I floss like a lunatic for the next three days thinking about how great and healthy I am, and why am I not like this all the time?

5.  Eventually, while flossing too close too the mirror a big goober of tartar  or a piece of the evening's meal flings off the mini-tight rope wire and catapults onto the mirror, or worse, my face... Then the floss is in the trash can and no more flossing for me for the next 6 months.

You can judge me as you wish, but to me flossing is annoying.  Maybe I am doing it wrong, but I cannot seem to avoid slobbery hands, slobbery chins, and flinging gunk everywhere.  Plus it is super boring.  By the third tooth I am so over it.  And staring at my teeth tends to give me nightmares about my teeth falling out  (which makes me think I should floss my teeth more....or maybe just get dentures)

Regardless, I just had a dentist appointment and had the good sense to put a weekly reminder on my calendar so I could start flossing way ahead of time and avoid the usual judgement and embarrassment.  As my dental hygienist sat down and started picking at my teeth, I was very proud that that she was halfway through scraping my top rack before even saying anything.  I was even more smug when her first words were "Wow, I can tell you have been flossing!....."  (yes!! personal victory is mine).  My cheeks warm with delight in her obvious praise.  But then she furrows her eyebrows.. "eh"....."hmmmm".........."Maybe you have been flossing .....hmmph....too hard?"......."There seems to be a lot of blood"......"How often did you say you floss?!"

I consider lying and telling her that I floss every day, because anything less than that and I know she will be disgusted.  But, she seems very concerned.   If I am bleeding this much and she thinks I floss every day, then she might suggest something even more crazy, like gum graft surgery. Personally, I would rather floss.  I decide to tell the truth.  "I don't usually floss, but I started to a few days ago (because I knew you would make them bleed, and I knew you would tell me to floss, so I was hoping to get the blood out and have them scarred over before I got to you and it obviously has not worked, Satan Lady.  Sorry I will floss two weeks earlier to trick you next time...)"

I call her Satan Lady appropriately because after I tell her the truth about my bloody gums being likely due to lack of flossing (and her being brutal), she says "I don't know.. I am not sure if they should bleed so much....I am going to do a little test..."  And her little test was to stab every tooth and gum juncture repeatedly with a scalpel to watch how much it bleeds.  And if the amount of blood produced did not satisfy her, she would stab it again, until she was convinced that there is too much blood.

The dentist eventually arrives, takes one look at my vampire teeth,  and refers me to a gum specialist.

I hate dentist appointments even more than flossing.