Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Is that a banana in your holder or are you just embarrassed to use me?

Me to Trevor:  "Hey Trev, what rhymes with bloggin?"

Trevor: "I feel like we go over this all the time!.....foggin, noggin, doggin, soggy..."

Internal me:  "soggy does not rhyme with bloggin...."

I don't know if I ever told you how I feel about bananas.  I'm just joking around, I actually know I told you, but I don't know if you remember.  If you don't, you might want to re-visit my original banana story before reading on.

Now after reading that story and seeing this picture below of a banana holder that Trevor and I found in Copenhagen, you might want to take a guess at what Trevor's sister got me for my birthday this year:

Well you guessed right....  Here is my new birthday banana holder!

Thanks Bevin !

Surprised! Excited!  I put it in the cupboard... for later.  A few days later I set my lunch on the counter...banana, yogurt, sandwich.  I try opening the banana holder but the hinge was jammed. I give it the ol' college try but can't get it open.  Maybe I didn't try too hard.  Maybe I wasn't too upset I couldn't use it.  I put it back in the cupboard, grab the food, throw it in my purse, grab my phone, wallet,  keys and head down the stairs... Trev pulls my banana holder out of the cabinet and yells "HEY you forgot your new banana holder!"  I stutter step, contemplate going back for it, but I'm running late and well I can go without a banana holder for one more day....

The truth is the thing scares me.  It looks like something from an "adult" store--something inappropriately phallic--something that if someone saw me with it they might think it was something else...something kinky...

So the next morning Trevor packs me a banana in my banana holder and sweetly reminds me not to forget my banana today! Ok--I tell myself-- it is a banana holder not a dildo.  I put it in my bag and take it to work.

At work I leave my purse under my desk.  My purse doesn't have a zipper or cover.  The top of it is open to the world.  I can see my banana holder from here.  Fearful that others might see it, I try to cover it up with my wallet.  I still feel insecure about it....  When my cubicle roommate is out of the cubicle I stick it in my desk drawer.

It's after lunch and I still haven't eaten my banana.  I am too embarrassed to take it out of the drawer when anyone is around.  I wait until finally there is not a soul in sight and then I swiftly open up the drawer and grab my banana holder.  To my dismay, the darn thing is jammed!  My window of opportunity is closing fast...I can't get it open try as I might!!!!!..then....Footsteps... Someone's coming!  I throw the dildo back in the drawer and pretend I was just looking for something..oh well can't find it....

This goes on for days...waiting for the coast to be clear....trying and failing to open the banana up day after day... always fearful of being caught....embarrassed of how I would explain myself.... After a few days, I am no longer as eager to get it open.   Because I know that banana inside is now past the point of consumption.  Eventually I forget about it...... for at least a week or two....

I finally bring the banana holder home for Man-Hands-O-Grady to pry open with his neanderthal-ic strength.  He gets it open within 5 seconds and without any major expenditure of energy.

I am preparing for the worst:

Not too bad to the look, it's not completely rotten brown....but give that thing a touch and it feels like a dead body full of pudding!

Kevin was the brave one who opened it:

 No, I don't think a monkey would eat that...


Anonymous said...

You'd be surprised what monkeys will eat...

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