Saturday, September 8, 2012

First World Problems

Two things I never thought I'd say:

1.) My diamond ring is too big!

2.) My diamond ring is too small....

I never thought I'd say either thing because I never really thought I'd own anything made of diamonds.  I'm not too keen on fancy things, (unless it's a fancy zebra print tutu!)... But now I find myself the very lucky owner of a very very fancy engagement ring.  I no longer have a "boyfriend."  He is my "fiance."  Now I feel like a woman.   

In Tina Fey's book "Bossypants" (which you totally need to read! It is fantastic for girls and guys.  I read it already and now I am reading it again (out loud to Trevor), she talks about the first time she felt like a woman.  She writes that most women said it was the first time they were hit on by a man or cat called walking down the street.  The first time Miss Tina felt like a woman was when she first got her period.  Her mother had given her a period pamphlet entitled "How should I tell my daughter."  Tina's mom was supposed to read it to her, but instead, to avoid awkward mother daughter conversations about sex and puberty, momma just gave the book to Tina to read on her own.  Tina shoved the book in the closet and never read it.  She had seen maxi-pad commercials on TV that depicted blue menstrual fluid that flowed like laundry detergent  onto maxi pads.  When she eventually got her period, it obviously wasn't blue, so she ignored it.  When her mom came home Tina asked her if it was weird that she was bleeding in her underpants.  It was then she really figured out what a period was.  And that was the first time she felt like a woman.

The first time I got my period I felt like an awkward pubescent goon, and that is how I've felt for the last 15 years....

But now I have this fancy grown-up ring.  And only fancy grown-up women should own such a thing, right?  Therefore I must be a fancy grown-up woman right?

Bear sh*t!

The second time I felt like a woman was when I had to take my new big-girl ring to the jewelry store to get it re-sized.  It was about three sizes too big.  The very nice moustached-jewelry man who looks like he hasn't left his jewelry shop since 1973, sits me down and pulls out his janitor-style key ring full of rings with every single finger size imaginable.  I try a 4.5.  I struggle to get it on and off and explain that is about as small as I would comfortably like to go.  He recommends a little smaller saying that most women would like their rings tight around the base of their finger so that the jewels and gems don't swing around.  I say "that's all fine and dandy for women with petite little knuckles who never have played a sport in their life, but do you see these arthritic knuckles?!  These fingers have been jammed more times than I can remember!  I don't care if the base of my finger is a four, that knuckle is at least an 8 and let's be honest, it's not getting any smaller..."  What I actually said was probably something more along the lines of "uhhhh hum, well hmm I don't want it to be too tight.  I have big knuckles ya know." 

Two days later I pick up the ring.  I struggle pretty hard to get it on, but eventually do.  It's pretty painful.  But it is nothing compared to getting it off!!!  (which required ice, soap, saliva, a major struggle in the bathroom in which the ring almost went flying into the toilet and left my poor little ring finger super sore with a nice big purple ring around the knuckle where the damn thing got stuck!... all that followed by anxiety...lots of anxiety....and fear of having to go through that everyday for the rest of my life!)  This is not going to work.  I know they say "beauty is pain" but fearing your jewelry is just not healthy.  I  bring it back immediately.

I sleep pretty poorly the night before...thinking about my too tight ring...thinking about bringing it back to that moustached man. That darn moustache man who didn't listen to me when I said not too tight.  That moustache man who shaved 3.5 sizes off MY diamond ring.  And what does he do with all that gold she shaves off?  Keep it? Sell it?  Add it to someone else's jewelry?  Should I have   asked for it back?  Did I just pay him to steal my gold?  He knew I was going to be out of town soon.  Was he scamming me because I'm not from around here? Was he hoping I wouldn't have time to bring it back and have him to fix it before I had to leave?  When I go back in tomorrow is he going to charge me for getting it bigger?!  What would I say?  Demand my gold?  Call him a crook? ....Or smile and hand him more money until he gets it right?

The next morning I drive up to the jewelry shop with my inner-Jersey in check, but ready to unleash it once he gives me the price to have it enlarged.  I walk in.  "Can we help you?"...."Yea so I just had this ring re-sized but it is uncomfortably too small and I was hoping to get it enlarged maybe half a size?".... "You got it re-sized here?" ...."Yup"....."Name?"....."Erickson"......"Ok we can do that for you".....(hand it over)....."And uhh how much will that cost?"....."No charge, we like to make sure we get it right."

Well, isn't that nice?

That is nice.

Now I have this big fancy ring. ..... I am now a real woman. .... And the "daughter-of -a-FBI-agent-and-child-assault-prevention-therapist" in me is slightly worried that this may significantly increase my likelihood of being robbed...cause I am so fancy...


s-to-the-ally said...

Yah!! You're so funny. Also, LOVE bossypants. Now I want to reread it. Can't wait to see you guys one of these darn days!

Colleen E. said...

i want to read that book too! i remember another time you told me you feel like a woman!

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