Thursday, October 7, 2010

How to Get Along With Girls

Yes, there is a reciprocal book giving desperate men some clever advice on how to tame and keep a woman.... and, as an extra bonus, I have added photos from the latest photos trip to the Snail House and Madonna Inn to go along with my favorite words of wisdom:

"Observe [women] even casually and what do you find under the most captivating head of curls? A creature with a good many traits akin to male -- capable of intelligence or anger, responsive to flattery, and scared to death of remaining unnoticed."
"It is possible, of course, to be smitten at an early stage.  So much the worse if you are-- it will be harder to maneuver...Learn not to go off the deep end whenever you see an attractive baggage."

"There is no doubt she has a mind and is capable of using it like a man... She knows all about people, science, politics, sex--perhaps even better than you.  You cannot sweep her over with a few boastful remarks -- more likely you will incur her laughter."

"Has she tried to boss you? Maybe you need a boss..."

"Do you want her because she is popular? Don't be a copy cat..."

"Nowadays with girls earning as much or sometimes more than their boyfriends, the "Dutch treat" is altogether permissible.  Before you suggest it, however, be sure of your girl; she must be a good sport."

"Get into the habit of listening sympathetically, of taking an interest in people, even if you have to pretend at first."

"For some peculiar reason, the modern girl detests even the suggestion of a beard."

"Don't let a young girl take more than one drink!  If she gets sick or slopped, you will both regret the night.  She will not forgive you for having seen her at her worst."

"When jostled against a girl in a crowd, tip your hat to say, "I beg your pardon."

"If she asks what you have done, be evasive.  Act busy, make obvious transparent excuses, hint darkly of other entanglements. Give her food for thought.  During this period, you may allow yourself to be seen with other girls.  If possible, pick a rival worthy of her.  Jealousy is a dangerous passion to play with, but having exhausted everything else, you may use it as a last resort....Get her worried."

"Should it appear, after several months, that her superior education puts you to shame, you must catch up to her.  Learn to read."

"Her family may be safely ignored only at the distance of a thousand miles."

"Play the hard-to-get.  Start by staying away for awhile.  Neither come at your accustomed hour, nor telephone, nor write.  Let her wonder what has happened to you."

"Far from being astonished (as they would have us believe) the majority of girls had long anticipated and anxiously awaited the moment.  In many cases, without the man's awareness they had actually maneuvered the proposal and all but put the words into his mouth."

"It is a good idea to have a theme song of your love.  If you cannot sing, hum or whistle the tune.  She will understand." 

"Are you proud to present her to your friends? If not, reconsider..."

"You can get used to an outlandish hat or purple lipstick; you can get used to almost anything.  But if you must make suggestions, be tactful. Use so much sugarcoating that the criticism will hardly show."

"She must lead you on a chase or you will lose interest. This is her principal stratagem.  If you grasp it, you are on the right track!  The next time she starts a game of hide-and-seek when you try to kiss her, do not become confused."

"If all the men in your family became bald early, the chances are you will too. In that case, do not throw your money to quacks, keep your dignity, and develop a philosophical attitude."
"If you are asked to dance with Cousin Betty who giggles and has pimples, dance your feet off."

"Bathe frequently, every day if possible.  Although you may not notice the difference, she will."

"If you feel shy about asking for a date, remember that there are more girls than men; that every girl wants to be popular and "dated"; she hates going out alone or with other girls ; and would rather accompany almost any halfway presentable man than sit home moping."

"Instead of always pursuing the most pursued girl in a crowd, you would do well occasionally to cultivate her plainer sister.  She is likely to prove more grateful and less expensive.  And she will not remain plain very long...The miracle of the ugly duckling takes place every day, and with no greater magic than a man's casual flattery."

"If you are embarrassed by your weight, exercise and diet will probably help you, provided you make the effort. Lacking the will power, you can still improve your appearance with a man's posture belt--they are sold by the hundreds of thousands every year."

"Are you constantly irritated by some small mannerism of hers? You can't be terribly in love."

"If she turns you down, you have no cause to go home and shoot yourself. "
"If you bore easily, the trouble lies with yourself."

"Avoid any prepared speeches--they usually sound lame."

"Whenever you find a woman incomprehensible, you can explain it by her desire to get a man (more important to her than all the careers in the world) and her inability to go after him openly."

"The modern girl has, of course, outstripped grandmother in her performance."

"If she tries to bring it up, seal her lips with a kiss.  It is safer to keep fresh wounds bandaged."

"Do you still think her perfect? You're wrong, of course, but marry her!"


Nancy said...

Hahaha. "Get her worried." Those bastards. JK. I also like ... if you're balding you should get philosophical.

AL said...

That was awesome.

Ashley said...

I love this. "Learn to read." Perfect.

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