Thursday, November 21, 2013

Out of Step

Since Zumba class was such a disaster, I decided to try something else, something simpler.  I walked into a step aerobics class thinking how hard can this be?  Step aerobics is for fragile old people, right?  Can I walk upstairs? Yes?  Well, then I should be a pro at "step" aerobics.  Right?   Wrong!

Step aerobics, which was taught by the exact same Zumba teacher, mind you (which should have been my first clue), is just like Zumba except mixed with cheerleading and throw in some crack cocaine and oh yea watch out for that 2 foot by 4 foot block of a step that they have you jumping over, and round house kicking the corners of,  and circling around toe tapping, and doing moves over called the "Kevin Costner."  I am serious.  Then at some point all the girls start counting down steps and cheering and they all seem to have done this dance before and the instructor is all "Come on girls are ya with me?!" And the crowd goes wild "YEEEEEEAAAA!!!"....  "Are we having fun yet or what?....."   YEEEAAAAAA!!!"  Basic Left Wooo!  Left Pivot Wooo! L-kick go! Wooo! Now give me your cheeeeeerleader Wooo Wooo! 3 hamstrings!  Woo Wooo Wooo! Let's see your KEVIN COOOOOSTNER!!  WOOOOOO!

Way too much "Woooing."  Way too many move changes and rotations.  Way too many people knowing and doing exactly what they should be doing... And then there is me.  I still have not figured out my left from my right.  I am fumbling around anxiously three steps behind everyone. When she made me do the move called "the cheerleader," I nearly broke down and cried.  I wanted to walk out right then and there.  I felt like such a freakish goon who is not at all excited to be in a room with all these cheerful and coordinated ballerinas.  I would have felt better if one person looked at me and laughed.  Or if they came over and said "It's ok, I looked liked a monkey on my first day of class too.  Don't worry, you'll get better."  This whole pretending not to notice just made me sad... that, and I generally hate being bad at things in public.

So I have decided to stick to normal, solo running, the real step exercise where you only need to know how to walk (and do it fast) in order to participate and excel.  And if anyone ever tries to make me do "the cheerleader" again, I am going to run far far away...


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