Monday, March 3, 2014

Gender Differences & Lavatory Logic

Every time I walk into a public restroom I try to pick the stall that I think is the least likely used.  If there is a long line of stalls, then I will go all the way to the very end hoping all of the lazy people would just pick the first available.  If there are three stalls, then I will pick the middle one hoping that the lazy person would pick the first stall and then the person who has to go number two and does not want to be right on top of the lazy person, will pick the last stall, which leaves the middle stall wide open for who knows how long...I realize there are flaws in this theory.  For instance, it will only work under the following assumptions:
 1) no more than 2 people shall ever enter a three-stall bathroom at once; 
 2) one person must always be lazy and 
 3) the other person must always have to take a dump and be self-conscious about it. 

I also realize it is quite possible that everyone has the same theory and phobias as me and that they are picking the same last and middle stalls as well.  So I will oftentimes mix it up and go for the very first stall if I am in a place where I think no one is lazy (or a place where people may be more neurotic than the norm).   I wish public bathrooms would publicly display the stats on how often each toilet is used.  Sure some lazy, non-hygienic, or generally disinterested people will not care either way, but couldn't they at least give us obsessive compulsives out there a choice?!   Is it too much to ask for a little screen saying how many times each toilets been flushed? That's all I'm asking....please...

Anyway, I was out to brunch this past Sunday with Trevor and a couple friends, and midway through the meal I have to excuse myself from the table to go to the bathroom.  I open the bathroom door and there is no one in there.   There are two stalls available: one is normal; one is handicap.  When I am in a place where  I feel like there are not a lot of handicapped people around I will take the risk and go for the handicap stall.  I dread the day when a handicap person is waiting because I wanted the extra space, so I have to be fairly certain I am in a safe place.  The place we were in was a fairly hip restaurant, and although thefriend we were with was on crutches, I did not see any other canes, scooters, wheelchairs, or moms with kids in the vicinity.  I decide I should take the handicap stall assuming most people will take the normal,guilt-free, one if given both options.

But as I take a step toward the handicap stall I realize that the way in which the normal stall door opens is slightly awkward and the stall gets blocked by the big bathroom door.  You would have to walk around the main door to get into the stall. I drew you a picture so you would understand:

I decide that the extra steps and maneuvering it would take to get to the normal door would prevent people from choosing that stall... Making the normal stall the least likely used,  I head directly for it.

I do my business and when I open my stall door the front bathroom door opens simultaneously and and essentially traps me in.  Not wanting to startle or hit the incoming person, I silently, creepily back up against the wall hoping that the person will go right into the handicap stall and not even know I am there.  But alas the person must also have bathroom anxiety disorder because after initially going for the handicap stall, they hesitate, and then decidedly go for the normal stall.  In the process of closing the main bathroom door to get to the normal stall is when the person found me quietly backed up against a wall....surprise!?

The startled person exclaimed "OH SH*T!" for three likely reasons: 

1) the person was terrified at finding a strange, quiet, grown woman hiding silently and smiling anxiously alone in a public restroom that they intially thought was empty;
2) the person may have actually sh*t their pants they were so scared; 
3) it was a the lady's room...


Bobo Bananas said...

On my first day at work, I walked into the ladies room. Realized it just as the door closed behind me and had to walk all the way to the other end of the bathroom to exit. Almost escaped unnoticed but walked out in front of a few giggling women. Btw never take the first stall

Eccentric E said...

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