Friday, January 28, 2011

Your Daily Mugrat

 As reported by Wikipedia, "The Daily Targum is the official student newspaper of Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey. Founded in 1869, it is the second-oldest collegiate newspaper in the United States."

Once a year the Daily Targum runs a spoof edition called the Mugrat where they report such stories as:
    Rutgers professor has been held in the county jail, charged with cruelty to animals.
    Some member of the Rutgers community is a terrorist.
   The weather forecast in February is 80 degrees and sunny.
   NASA plans to blow up Mars....

ya know unbelievable stuff.

So when I was reading the daily newspaper out here in California, I had to double check the other articles for spoof-a-licious evidence.  Were these stories a joke?

I could not find any overwhelming evidence that the were not....  but they were pretty entertaining, so I will let you decide for yourself....


Mr. Fixit
 A 53-year-old  woman in a wheelchair told deputies that her attorney suggested that she hire a 65-year-old  man to help her with her physical disabilities. The pair spent the night in a  motel room. In the morning, after trying unsuccessfully to get her new employee to vacate the room, she called the Sheriff's Department and then took herself to the Hospital for medical treatment. "The man didn't do a damn thing to help me," the woman said. The personal assistant preferred jail to the alternative of telling deputies exactly what he did and did not do for his disabled client.

Weird.

It's still ticking, somewhere
The owner of a hair salon in an upscale resort hotel returned from lunch at precisely 1 p.m. Following a long-established routine, he put his wristwatch in his coat pocket to avoid getting it wet. Then he put his coat in a coat closet, carefully folded his shirt cuffs and began washing, cutting and otherwise tending to the hair of well-heeled clients. At 8 p.m. that night, he pulled into his garage, reached into his coat pocket and found that the watch had disappeared. Any one who has ever craved a $32,000 gold Rolex could have told him that it's guaranteed to keep on ticking to a depth of up to 100 meters.

How does this make the newspaper?

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be . . . . . ."
A 19-year-old man loaned his $500 camera to a 19-year-old friend back in 2006. In October of last year he ran into the friend and asked him to return the camera. Instead, the man produced a blank check and made it out in the amount of $500. Believing he had finally been reimbursed, according to the sheriff's report, the lender cashed the check at a barbershop where he was a frequent customer. You guessed it. The shop owner came after him for a bounced check. The well-intentioned lender avoided arrest by paying off the debt in cash on Jan. 18. Now he's out $500 for the camera and $500 for the phony check. The borrower won't be out of jail for a while.

Through the looking glass
A 27-year-old  man was arrested in the early morning of Jan. 9 while staggering drunk down the street wearing a single sandal. A witness said he seemed perfectly fine on the other side of the street where deputies found his cell phone, wallet and second sandal.

I'm sick and tired and I'm not going to take it
A 20-year-old man became frustrated while playing video games in a pizza parlor. According to sheriff's deputies, he banged and kicked the arcade machines, then ran across the street, threw a chair and brick block at a coffee shop window and tried to halt traffic in the middle of the street. When arrested, deputies said, the man talked philosophically about having intercourse with the world.

The grass is greener
A  woman reported the theft of her purse and groceries outside a food market around noon on Jan. 16. She said she left them unattended on a bench in front of the store while she took a walk for about 15 minutes. This would not have happened in Mexico, she told a Spanish-speaking interpreter.

You serious Clark?

Old buddies
The two men were friends for many years. One man was 47, the other 60. The younger man lived in an apartment with his 88-year-old mother. The older man occasionally spent the night there and helped care for the aging woman. But one night, according to the sheriff's report, things went terribly wrong. The overnight friend refused to help with the dishes. He was "tackled to the floor" and hit several times by the younger man. Then the mother excommunicated him from the house. Any man who won't wash a dish can go fish, she allegedly mumbled quietly through her dentures. The ex-house guest was found battered but unbowed in a nearby park. "We were just drunk," he told deputies. "Tomorrow we'll hug and make up. We're old buddies."

All in the family
A 24-year-old woman received a 2-inch horizontal scratch to the right side of her forehead, scrape marks on both knees and a 1-inch scratch mark across her nose after an altercation with several female family members (sound like the Erickson household?). Deputies broke up the fight and then asked the battered woman if she wanted to file charges. "It's all right," she told them. "They think I'm hooking up with my cousin. They're my cousins too. It's just family."
 
(Crime blotter excerpts written by G. Wormser. Jan 24th, 2011)



In the new baby arena, I have a new baby niece who was born today (yesterday Jan 27th) , Persephone Pappas.

Persephone and BIG Sister, Eliza


I leave you with another joke (created by Trevor) that was inspired by my dermatologist.....

[WARNING: Viewer Discretion is advised.  Do not look at the image below if you are eating.  You may barf. ]




"Ya know how I knew your dermatologist was a comedian?"


.............?..............



"...because she left you in stitches............."


Ha ha ah.  Good one.  Ah, the marvels of modern medicine.  See something funny? Meh, just chop it off and sew the person back together.  Now you don't have to worry about it.   Thank goodness for red wine and my new pain killer of choice, Disaronno, works wonders.  

Tomorrow morning I get to have my cavity filled in my molar.  I am one lucky girl this week.

Note to Self:  After declaring to get your doctor's appointments back on track for your new years resolution, it would be wise to spread them out throughout the year so as to avoid concurrent stabbings and drillings. 

2 comments:

Jason said...

"Any man who won't do a dish can go fish..."--this sounds like the tested and true method the fine young men of 86 LOUIS employed to keep dirty dishes and swamp sink at bay except instead of "going fishing" we would just break Brad's dishes outside in an abandoned garden we called "the arena". There was a broken sword in the arena as well, "for effect," I liked to say to visitors as I heaved another saucer at the pile of broken Ikea plaster that lay on the ground in shards...but a shadow of its former self..."gone fishin'..."

Nancy said...

That's you?! What was it?

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